You were the gift of the cool December
but you changed faster than the weather
Winter left and Summer came
In your life too

Beyond the golden flowered tree
I saw you walking away, with Summer
I was the Winter in your life?
You loved the summer?

May be it’s my mistake that I have grown up to be such a special creature. I love everything that has something obscure and special and no wonder I have become like this.

The special event that occurred to add spice to my life this weekend was a quarrel with my mom. I sensed something impending when she rang me up and started the conversion with a love and caring than usual! After a couple of minutes she shot her arrow. I was excepting it and my guess was absolutely right! A new proposal has come and she wanted my approval.

I had told my parents that I am not thinking about getting married now. I do not feel like doing that! I want at least two more years to settle. But they never understand. They are educated but they are still not out of the conservative attitude which almost all Indian parents are having. Why don’t they understand that I want to be independent? Why they are not able to understand that I like to be known by my own name rather than being the wife of so and so? I am just asking for time! I never said I am going to join a monastery and become a sanyasini.

If not my parents then who in this world is going to understand me??? They have been seeing me from day I open my eyes to see this beautiful earth and their loving face. Still now it pains a lot when they do now pretend to understand me. They just want to finish their duties and sit peacefully while I will be in such a mental state of not reaching where I wanted to see myself? Do I need to give up all my desires and ambition for the sake of getting married to obey my parents?

I don’t know why remember Burn’s words…

“If I’m designed yon lordling’s slave,

By nature’s law designed,

Why was an independent wish

E’er planted in my mind? ‘

If not, why am I subject to

His cruelty and scoin?

Or why has man the will and pow’r

To make his fellow moum?

Anger is a very natural emotion and often we are unaware of the reasons of our anger or rather we do not try to understand the true reason behind one’s anger.

Anger is a negative emotion that is often caused by other negative emotions.

A person might get angry if she or he is suffering from mental or physical pain. Haven’t you noticed people or even yourself getting angry when you are not physically well? We might easily get angry when we are tensed or stressed.

I often find it hard to control myself when somebody interrupts me when I am reading an interesting article or when writing. It disturbs my flow of thought that I may not be able to follow the same track if there is a break in between.

We often expect something and when our expectation goes in vain, we tend to be angry. It also happens when we, at heart fear something and it to mask that fear from others; we substitute the feeling with anger. As I child, I used to be afraid of growing up (By growing up I mean reaching puberty and such things). And whenever my mother told me that I will grow up like other women, I used to get angry. I was not because I did not know that every kid will grow up to be a man or women, but it was because, I did not want to accept the fact and want to console my mind that I will not grow up.

Another reason can be the feeling that you are not loved. If a kid feel that his or her parents love their sibling more and they just have a secondary place in their hearts, then it is natural that these kind of kids grow up to be arrogant and might even treat their sibling badly. A small wound can pain a lot. A small incident in childhood can have impacts lasting for a life time.

It is always frustrating when you feel rejected by loved ones that is the rejection by parents, siblings, friends, spouse and so on. It does not matter whether they really reject, avoid or hate the person. But by some way or the other the person feels of being rejected and this pain comes out in the form of anger which can even last for a life time!

It happens when somebody tells us something that we might interpret and analyze to sense negativity in what they told, we might soon be ending up in fury.  

My ego normally does not allow me to exhibit certain emotions. I might always get angry and furious to a man with whom I feel I might fall in love. Sounds quite interesting? Yes it is. I have promised myself that I will not be having any affair in my life.  My husband will be the only person who knows about me in and out and he will be the only person to whom I will even be romantic.

I find myself hard to control my temper when I feel unacknowledged, cared, and accepted.

Anger is a feeling that could arouse when you feel vulnerable. I have a habit of expressing almost all emotions in the form of anger. It has created a lot of problems in my life but the same anger has helped me to hide my pain, fears, shyness, lack of confidence, ignorance, lack of satisfaction, frustration and many such emotions.

Ego and pride often make you hide your emotions in many situations and we often find it hard to suppress the real emotion. Therefore we cover ourselves with the veil of anger.

There could be more reasons behind anger which needs to be explored. Even hormones have a hand in making us angry at times. It demands more research on this topic.

I was sad

Feeling rejected from everywhere, by everyone

Then I remembered God…

With tears in my eyes, begged him to send an angel for me…

To guard me in my troubles, to comfort me in my woes,

And to guide me throughout my life’s journey…

He sent you to me…

But, I never recognized you…

I fought with you

I ridiculed you…

I even told I hate you…

And one day, God took you back

He felt I do not need you anymore…

But, I was waiting for you

You were beside me, but didn’t see you

I was blind…

I was waiting for you…

Finally, God took you back…

Now I realize who you were…

Can I have you in my life again???

 I am still waiting for you.

Then, at an inconvenient time…

That person might say or do something to end the relationship…

Sometimes they die…

Sometimes they walk away…

Or you made them feel you do not need them anymore…

Sometimes you may feel like walking away…

Because their role in our life is over…

Sometimes our paths change…

Sometimes we take different paths unknowingly…

Sometimes we fight without knowing the reason…

We both my love each other but fail to express…

I am confused whether you really love me or hate me…

You too might be feeling the same…

Our wishes are just wishes…

I love dreaming…

The dreams that would always be dreams…

Heart brimful with a feeling unknown

The space between our hearts was so wide

I wanted to fill it with love, but…

The wind that blow you away

Came to make me see the real you

You will try to comeback, I know

But I no more wish to be there

There was something in your eyes

But I no more see that

There was something about the silly fights

But I have become indifferent

When my eyes met yours

The winter breeze or the glance

Made me horripilate, I still do not know

You were the gift of the cool December

but you changed faster than the weather

Winter left and Summer came

In your life too

Beyond the golden flowered tree

I saw you walking away, with Summer

I was the Winter in your life?

You loved the summer?

So, friends, I hurt you because I love you!

I like reading psychology and recently found an interesting article, in psychology today, on why we tend to hurt those whom we love. Here is the link to the article http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/200905/darling-why-do-we-hurt-the-one-we-love. It worth reading especially if you have a lover (Hmm but I don’t have one!).